Hope and Not

This is the hardest time, the two week wait. It's even harder the closer I get to AF time. I'm only 5 DPO and it's hard not to constantly wonder, to look at my chart over and over, hoping to see a magical answer hidden in the numbers. I might as well be seeking truth in tea leaves.

I was pregnant this time last year, that little blip that changed my life and heart. The thin pink line that I thought would change everything and did in ways I couldn't possibly foresee. I try to push those thoughts away, but it's been almost a year and I can't. I still think about that tiny potential that we lost and I miss it, I miss that my baby would have been five months old. And I push, push, PUSH, those thoughts out of my mind and try to move forward, always moving forward. To the next cycle, the next gathering of friends and family that has nothing to do with this constant trying. To my life as is it now, a life I enjoy, even without a baby.

Most of the time it works.