What I've Learned

Each cycle I learn something new, a new sign, something new to not worry about. Every few months I think back to what I thought was the previous reality only to laugh at myself for thinking that or worrying about it. Next up is Clomid, likely in the next two to three weeks and I'm getting a little nervous, about the meds and the frequent ultrasounds and blood work and shot to my tummy. Ok, I'm strangely not worried about the shot in my tummy. Oh, and is it going to work? Am I going to look back and wonder why I worried about it when now I am worried about some more advanced step?

The other terrifying part is what does work? Trying to get pregnant has been part of our world for so long how on earth will I make the transition?

Answers and a Plan

We met with the RE this week and he picked out the problem right away. My FSH level is on the high side, 9, not the worst, not directly to egg donors, but not good. Next month I start the Clomid Challenge, which Himself thinks sounds like a Japanese game show. I'm terrified of the results. The doc also said my high levels doubles the risk of another miscarriage, this scares me even more. I spent the last day being completely depressed about it all. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, with the help of my amazing hubby, family and friends who support me like I couldn't have hoped for. Not wanting to punch my fist throuigh the wall is a step in the right direction.

This whole experience has reminded me how blessed I am. I hope they all forgive me if I go all psycho from hormones.

Oh, and seriously do pregnant women always have to be in the elevator with me and did the 20 year old need to ask me if I was also seeing her OB?

A Month Off?

We see the doc next week and the answers are slowly trickling in. My progesterone is way too low for one thing. I'm not sure if this has been every cycle though or just the last few. I have other months of normal high temps on my chart. None the less the month it was tested it was low, so low is the new black. My doctor won't do anything since I'm seeing the RE so soon. Bummer, I want SOLUTIONS! I think one of those solutions will be Clomid. On the other hand I have a big weekend coming up and not starting Clomid is a plus. I just hate waiting one more cycle.

On to the month off. I don't temp during AF, so I have been sleeping so much later. Not better, but later. It makes me wonder if I wake up so ealry because I'm subconsciously thinking about temping. How much better would I sleep all the time if I never worried about taking my tempature at the same time every morning and waking up too early even for that time? Although it has become second nature to temp and chart and watch and see if I O'ed and hope for a triphasic pregnancy chart, maybe it's time for a little break. Whatever the doc suggests will likely start next cycle anyway. Except of course supplementing progesterone after O, in which case I should know when it is. I may be able to have enough temps to show a rise if I start the day after my appointment. Otherwise, I'm sleeping in and letting it go for the (very) short term.

The One With No Baby

I love Friends, and my husband reminds me of Chandler. I'm not so much like Monica, not nearly as clean. When Monica and Chandler had trouble getting pregnant they began fertility testing only to discover that Chandlers sperm was "lazy" and Monica's uterus was "hostile". When we started on the testing road, we joked that that was what we were going to find out. It seemed less funny when Himself's swimmers prooved to be more like hang by the poolers. I'm PMSy, at only CD 23, I shouldn't be feeling this way for another few days and frankly it's just depressing. I really hoped the impending appointment with the RE would stir up something up in there. I hoped to give Himself a BFP (Big Fat Positive) for his birthday, don't think that's going to happen.

Getting Into It

Maybe it's the unemployment, but Himself is cracking me up with the Baby Making strategies. I told him we should "DTD" every other day, so we do. After, he puts pillows under my hips and forbids me to move for twenty minutes. I am both amused and slightly bewildered.

Dear Body

I am on cycle day 17, I would like to ovulate soon please. Are you trying to screw up Friday's blood work? You're going to make me look bad at the doctors office.

Plus, I REALLY want to see a smiley face when I pee. As it is I only imagine a tiny frowny face in the empty circle.