Exhausted Already

I can blame PMS for this feeling, but I still wish it wasn't there. I'm nearing the end of the cycle and I know the start of the next is right around the corner. The ultrasound and acupuncture and hopefully starting Clomid. The bad thing is, it's all getting to me. I think it's due to the day I spent making phone calls and waiting on hold to fight with the insurance company to pay the $800 in outstanding bills. The fight with my husband when he snapped at my about said bills.

Unemployment and infertility shouldn't mix. One is bad enough without the other. I would like to say we are getting through this tighter and stronger, but this is real life, and it's been hard. Some days are good, those days remind me that I chose the right person to hitch my fortune to, other days I think I have lost my mind for not staying single.

As much as he tries my husband will never feel the way I do about this. It will never happen to his body and heart the same way it does to mine. It leads to me feeling alone. I alone, chart, temp, pee on a stick until it smiles back at me, count days, initiate sex at the right times. I get the very long ultrasound probe shoved in Ladytown and hold my breath hoping the cyst won't be there, so I can go on to take pills that will turn me into a Bitch for five days (I'm sure that will help my tendency to feel guilt over things that aren't my fault) Then shove a needle in my tummy, so I can have some more forced sex. (Yes, I know other infertiles have it worse, and that this could, someday down the road, be considered an easy month) But I'm in this month, at this time and feeling this way.

Onward I go.