A Long Overdue Update

I haven't had much to say I guess. After two successful Clomid cycles I am not pregnant. I had nice strong ovulation and well timed intercourse. (wow that makes it sound fun!) I got no bun in the ol' oven. We're taking a few cycles off at this point. Hubby has some extra stress going on and my lining was getting thin. The plan is to start again in January. I feel fine about it, it's the best choice for us right now, but I still feel hollow and empty. The depression is not solely related to this, but it hasn't helped. January will mark two years of trying and not trying and hoping and willing. I've lost a lot in the last few years, faith and hope not the least of them. I no longer believe in a "master plan". I'm thankful I am even closer to Himself, he is a good man, especially in times of trouble. Still, the empty feelings eat away at me. I was never the kind of person who wanted a child to make myself whole, but I can't deny that part of me, part of my family, feels like it's missing.

Being pregnant, carrying to term, and bringing home a baby is a dream that feels distant and unobtainable.

1st Month Under my Belt

I got through the first month of treatment pretty unscathed and also not knocked up. The Clomid wasn't bad, some pain where the cyst is and closer to O time, pain on both sides. The cyst is remaing at the 12 mm size that it was last cycle, so it's still hanging out there, but it isn't large enough to stop treatment. The trigger shot was easy peasy. The waiting was the hardest part and learning it hadn't produced a baby was even harder. The good news is I responded VERY well to treatment. My FSH dropped to 6, my ovaries produced two nice size follicles and my progesterone was 37.9, very high. All in in all it really was a success. A success I hope to repeat this cycle with an even better result.

The Clomid has been slightly more side effect inducing this time, or maybe I'm just being a bitch for no reason. Either way I've been hanging out alone knitting a lot when I'm at home. Some women have more side effects the second time around, or maybe it is because I couldn't get in for acupuncture until Wednesday, the last Clomid day. I don't know, I'm doing the best I can to stay sane and not let the monster inside spring forth and bite anyone's head off.

Unless they really deserve it.

Exhausted Already

I can blame PMS for this feeling, but I still wish it wasn't there. I'm nearing the end of the cycle and I know the start of the next is right around the corner. The ultrasound and acupuncture and hopefully starting Clomid. The bad thing is, it's all getting to me. I think it's due to the day I spent making phone calls and waiting on hold to fight with the insurance company to pay the $800 in outstanding bills. The fight with my husband when he snapped at my about said bills.

Unemployment and infertility shouldn't mix. One is bad enough without the other. I would like to say we are getting through this tighter and stronger, but this is real life, and it's been hard. Some days are good, those days remind me that I chose the right person to hitch my fortune to, other days I think I have lost my mind for not staying single.

As much as he tries my husband will never feel the way I do about this. It will never happen to his body and heart the same way it does to mine. It leads to me feeling alone. I alone, chart, temp, pee on a stick until it smiles back at me, count days, initiate sex at the right times. I get the very long ultrasound probe shoved in Ladytown and hold my breath hoping the cyst won't be there, so I can go on to take pills that will turn me into a Bitch for five days (I'm sure that will help my tendency to feel guilt over things that aren't my fault) Then shove a needle in my tummy, so I can have some more forced sex. (Yes, I know other infertiles have it worse, and that this could, someday down the road, be considered an easy month) But I'm in this month, at this time and feeling this way.

Onward I go.

The Wait Cycle

I'm supposed to just be waiting around for the next cycle, but I'm not very patient. I'm temping again, although very causally. I'm not worrying about the exact time, some days it's not even close. After I have a sustained temp rise I'm done for the cycle. No obsessing about any potential patterns. I got a positive OPK yesterday, the first time with a digital test and boy was I doing the happy dance. I've had a few acupuncture treatments as well, which I find very relaxing and balancing. I was supposed to have one today, but unfortunately it was canceled. It would have been nice to get one more in before I ovulated. I've also been drinking red raspberry leaf tea and grapefruit juice. The grapefruit juice is for sure doing what those "old wives" said it would and I'll leave it at that for your own (Googling) imaginations. How cool would it be if all these little things, that may not be scientific, added up to a baby? Damn hopefulness.

On Again/Off Again

My ovaries and I are SO last week. After a rocky relationship over several months we are OFF until at least next cycle. I have a cyst, no Clomid, no go, another month of waiting.

I am starting acupuncture on Friday. Hopefully it will help shrink the cyst and at the very least help me feel calm.

I'm kinda pissed and kinda ok to put it off.

What I've Learned

Each cycle I learn something new, a new sign, something new to not worry about. Every few months I think back to what I thought was the previous reality only to laugh at myself for thinking that or worrying about it. Next up is Clomid, likely in the next two to three weeks and I'm getting a little nervous, about the meds and the frequent ultrasounds and blood work and shot to my tummy. Ok, I'm strangely not worried about the shot in my tummy. Oh, and is it going to work? Am I going to look back and wonder why I worried about it when now I am worried about some more advanced step?

The other terrifying part is what does work? Trying to get pregnant has been part of our world for so long how on earth will I make the transition?

Answers and a Plan

We met with the RE this week and he picked out the problem right away. My FSH level is on the high side, 9, not the worst, not directly to egg donors, but not good. Next month I start the Clomid Challenge, which Himself thinks sounds like a Japanese game show. I'm terrified of the results. The doc also said my high levels doubles the risk of another miscarriage, this scares me even more. I spent the last day being completely depressed about it all. I'm trying to pull myself out of it, with the help of my amazing hubby, family and friends who support me like I couldn't have hoped for. Not wanting to punch my fist throuigh the wall is a step in the right direction.

This whole experience has reminded me how blessed I am. I hope they all forgive me if I go all psycho from hormones.

Oh, and seriously do pregnant women always have to be in the elevator with me and did the 20 year old need to ask me if I was also seeing her OB?