The First Year is Over

We have officially passed the trying for a year mark. Now we move on the see the doctor, start some tests and see where we go from here. I feel discouraged that we're here and fearful of what is to come, but also I feel ok. The PMS/depression was so much better this month, thanks to the glories of Lexapro.

My fingers are still crossed that nothing is wrong and we have just missed it. Naive, yes. Even though I have been told (by a non professional) that getting pregant once doesn't get you any "points" in the game, I still think it has to mean something works, right?

I've been trying to win some smiley face OPKs from Ebay, but so far no success. I just won't pay $40 for the darn things!

I told my TTC buddy tonight to keep the faith and I'm trying to do the same.

Tired

of waiting and wondering and thinking and counting and hoping


tired tired tired

Hope and Not

This is the hardest time, the two week wait. It's even harder the closer I get to AF time. I'm only 5 DPO and it's hard not to constantly wonder, to look at my chart over and over, hoping to see a magical answer hidden in the numbers. I might as well be seeking truth in tea leaves.

I was pregnant this time last year, that little blip that changed my life and heart. The thin pink line that I thought would change everything and did in ways I couldn't possibly foresee. I try to push those thoughts away, but it's been almost a year and I can't. I still think about that tiny potential that we lost and I miss it, I miss that my baby would have been five months old. And I push, push, PUSH, those thoughts out of my mind and try to move forward, always moving forward. To the next cycle, the next gathering of friends and family that has nothing to do with this constant trying. To my life as is it now, a life I enjoy, even without a baby.

Most of the time it works.

Day Three:The Maca Challenge

That stuff is pretty awful, but I managed another tablespoon full today. I mixed it with hot chocolate and won't be doing that again. The increase in fertile CM is too obvious to ignore. Not sure if it's that or skipping Lexapro for a few days, but the Big O is back in full force.

I got a + on the OPK today, I think anyway. It was at least very close, so I'll see what I get tomorrow. I may splurge on the smiley face kind next moth. They are crazy expensive, but not trying to figure out those stupid lines might be worth it.

My beginning of the cycle blood work came back all normal. I'll have to call and see if my OBGYN wants to do post O follow up work. This is our last cycle of trying before my appoinment next month. If everything checks out ok, I'd rather keep going on our own for a few cycles before we start Clomid or something. I feel like charting has helped me know my body so much better than the guesswork I was playing at before.

Dreams and Desperation

Last night I had another baby dream.

My baby dreams are always the same idea in a different way, it's never my baby. The baby will be in some kind of peril, separated from it's mother and I, and often Himself, will need to care for it until the mother returns. Last nights baby was my cousins youngest child, Chloe, although the perfect baby with golden brown curls looked nothing like my cousin. She was about a year old, that soft smushy age, when they are just on the verge of being toddlers. I loved her, but knew she wasn't mine, they are never mine.

Yesterday I spent a long time reading about a whole food dietary supplement called Maca. Most of what I read was from the forum at TCOYF's site. I tended to believe the testimony of real people over anything else I found just through Google. One of the benefits is supposedly an increased libido. Since I started back on Lexapro last week I have noticed a bit of an issue in the bedroom. I've only had one try at it this week though, so it could be a fluke. Even a placebo effect might help me over a mental block about it.

It comes in a powder and pill form, the powder being the preffered choice. I tried some as soon as I got home, having droppped $28 for it, ah, there's the desperation. Mixed in milk with some chocolate syrup it wasn't bad at all. Another way I had read about taking it was in OJ. Ugg, never again.

I also read about stopping an antidepressant for the weekend to give your body a break. I'm trying that this weekend also. We shall see. I'm on CD 15 and last month O'ed on CD 19. Fingers crossed.

Here We Go

Lisa sugested starting a TTC blog. It's something I've thought about before, but really felt like no one would want to read it. I would though. It is the nature of blogs and the world we live in to peak into the private lives of others. I would want to read someones struggles and thoughts and triumphs and the funny parts of this whole crazy business of baby making.

Most people that might actually read this know my story, but here is a quick summary. Married seven years, off BCP since Jan 08, miscarriage April 08. Himself has had a sperm analysis done and that was fine. I've had some blood work here and there, but nothing major. If we aren't pg by May it's off to the doctors for a serious talk about the Next Step.

More to come.......